I Wrestle With Sin

You are my Lord and God, and I will serve You.

I have chosen You as my inheritance forever, and I will wait for Your salvation.

Hear the sighing of Your prisoner, and deliver Your captive. My heart is with You.

I pray that sin would no longer reign in my mortal body. I want nothing more to do with the throne of iniquity. Untie the chains, loosen the cuffs, and bring my soul out of prison.

Search me, Lord, and know my heart. Prove me, and know my thoughts. Is there any way of wickedness in me? Do I willingly go after sin’s commandments? Do I harbor iniquity in my heart?

It is true: My heart wars against You. It riots and rebels against You.

But do I resign myself to it? Is it a pleasure to me? Am I at peace with it?

Lord, You know. I cannot rid myself of the iniquity in my heart, I cannot do the things I would, I cannot pray as I would. I cannot listen as I would — nor think, nor speak, nor live as I would.

Wherever I go, sin goes with me. Where I stay, it stays. If I sit still, there it is with me. If I run from it, it follows me. I cannot rest, I cannot work, I cannot do anything — sin is always hounding me.

And yet, blessed be Your name, this I do: I fight against it. I wrestle with it, though it often takes me down. I do not trust it, though it flatters me. I do not love it, though it feeds me.

My heart is with You, Lord. I am following after You. I groan and I struggle in pain, waiting for Your redemption. Until I die, I will not give up.

I will die fighting. I will die hoping. I will die praying.

Save me, Lord. Do not delay, my God.

Amen.

— Richard Alleine

The Glorious Habitation

Lord thou hast been our dwelling-place in all generations.

— Psalm 90:1

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Have you ever known what it is to have God for your dwelling-place in the sense of comfort? Do you know what it is, when you have storms behind you, to feel like a sea-bird, blown to the land by the very storm? Do you know what it is, when you have been caged sometimes by adversity, to have the string cut by divine grace, and like the pigeon that flies at once to its own dovecot, have you sped your way across the ether, and found yourself in God? Do you know what it is, when you are tossed on the waves, to go down into the depths of Godhead, there rejoicing that not a wave of trouble ruffles your spirit, but that you are serenely at home with God your own Almighty Father? Can you, amid all the uneasiness of this desert journey, find a comfort there? Is the breast of Jesus a sweet pillow for your head? Can you, lie thus on the breast of Deity? Can you put yourself in the stream of Providence and float along without a struggle, while angels sing around you—divinely guided, divinely led—"We are bearing thee along the stream of Providence to the ocean of eternal bliss!" Do you know what it is to lie on God, to give up all care, to drive anxiety away, and there—not in a recklessness of spirit, but in a holy carelessness—to be careful for nothing, "but in every thing by supplication to make known your wants unto God?" If so you have gained the first idea; "Lord, thou hast been our dwelling-place throughout all generations."

…

It is possible to stand exposed to the utmost degree of danger, and yet to feel such a holy serenity that we can laugh at fear; too great, too mighty, too powerful through God to stoop for one moment to the cowardice of trembling, "we know whom we have believed, and we are persuaded that he is able to keep that which we have committed unto him." When houseless men wander, when poor distressed spirits, beaten by the storm, find no refuge, we enter into God, and shutting behind us the door of faith, we say, "Howl, ye winds; blow, ye tempests; roar, ye wild beasts; come on, ye robbers!"

"He that hath made his refuge God,
Shall find a most secure abode,
Shall walk all day beneath his shade,
And there at night shall rest his head."

…

The Christian knows no change with regard to God. He may be rich to-day, and poor to-morrow; he may be sickly to-day and well to-morrow; he may be in happiness to-day, to-morrow he may be distressed; but there is no change with regard to his relationship to God. If he loved me yesterday he loves me to-day. I am neither better nor worse in God than I ever was. Let prospects be blighted, let hopes be blasted, let joy be withered, let mildews destroy every thing, I have lost nothing of what I have in God. He is my strong habitation whereunto I can continually resort. The Christian never becomes poorer, and never grows richer with regard to God. "Here," he can say, "is a thing that never can pass away or change. On the brow of the Eternal there is never a furrow; his hair is unwhitened by age; his arm is unpalsied by weakness; his heart does not change in its affections; his will does not vary in its purpose; he is the immutable Jehovah, standing fast and forever. Thou art our habitation! As the house changes not, but stands in the same place, so have I found thee from my youth up. When first I was cast upon thee from my mother's breast, I found thee my God of Providence. When first I knew thee by that spiritual knowledge which thou alone canst give, I found thee a sure habitation; and I find thee such now. Yea, when I shall be old and gray-headed, I know thou wilt not forsake me; thou wilt be the same dwelling-place in all generations."

— ‘The Glorious Habitation‘ - The New Park Street Pulpit Vol I pg. 347 (C.H. Spurgeon)

O, beloved!

This boldness of faith! My prayer, now – always – is for Him to give this to us in His perfect proportion.

I wonder…(pondering)…every day that He supplies us with breath, every day we experience life here…He is… working in and through us, yes? Aye.

We, of course, feel like we have good days, and bad days. Perhaps. Yes, perhaps. But, that’s only what we see.

Beloved? We see so very little. We see what’s set before our very eyes right now, and we hear the things within range of our ears — well, sometimes. We are able to pull from a vast archive of memories, some sweet, some bitter. We can, of course, take into account what others share with us too — what they see and hear. Even still, the capacity and the quantity of what is perceived by us is so incredibly fractional, so small, so limited; it’s…hardly even worth mentioning, really. Although, even though it’s inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, to us, it matters a great deal — of course.

(ahem) Where was I going with this? Ah yes — maturity, growth, progress, purpose, faith, uni❤️— those thoughts. Yes.

What I’m trying to say is…

He is good. The world may be falling apart around us, we may feel like complete and utter failures according to our perception of things; but I believe, regardless as to our circumstances, our feelings, our sense of well-being — He — every. single. day. accomplishes exactly what He set out to accomplish in us.

O, soul! Did you experience a trial today? Aye. And, did you feel lost without your Savior? Aye. Did you clamor about frantically until you found rest in Him? Aye. Then cheer up, O heart! He further solidified your need for Him! He, once again, proved Himself to be your shelter, your fortress, your all.

O, beloved! Did you stumble and fall? Did you grasp, yet again? Did you, out of desperation, grope about in the dark hoping to find comfort? Aye. Did the flesh seem to prevail, once again? Did you begin to doubt? Did you start sinking beneath the waves? Oh! You heard the wind, did you? Oh! The waves…those are…BIG…

And down you went. Aye. But, you cried out for help, to Jesus. He, tenderly, held your hand; He pulled you up, again. He lifted your head, once more. Beloved? He accomplished exactly what He set out to accomplish, for that day, that moment in time. Now we know more of His mercy and grace, do we not? He is in control of all things, see? He sees what we don’t see, beloved. He knows all. He is our all. He is everything our heart desires and more. He satisfies the desires we can’t even name — the ones we don’t even know we have.

He is our glorious habitation: now, and forever and ever. Already, yes. Not yet fully, but soon!

O, beloved! Take heart! You feel downcast, O my soul. Yes, and you are precious because of it. It shows your care, your tenderness, your neediness. You are worth more than you can ever begin to imagine. He is good.

Let us praise Him, this day, and again tomorrow, and every day He gives us breath, beloved. Whatever may come our way — all is well. Not because of what we have done – no – but because He is our glorious habitation — secured by His own shed blood.

My spirit, and His Spirit within me, testify to this truth; supplied by faith through Him — all gifts fully undeserved. O, beloved! His steadfast love is better than life, let our lips praise Him!

- written with tears of joy

Fearless Play

…it is a movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play.

— ‘You Are The Beloved’ February 8th - Reaching Out (Nouwen)

O, beloved.

I’ve been searching for these words. They might, still, not be perfect…but they are much closer than I could have gotten.

I believe they’re interchangeable (helpful), for all types of longing, or lack, yes?

Nouwen speaks with regard to loneliness here, but beloved? It seems to me, this is the intent behind all of God’s purposed sorrow; all of the bitterness, the smoke.

We’ll have restless senses — aye. We’ll have them until we are fully and finally in the presence of our Beloved King. But, we do, indeed, have hope even now. For all of these restless senses will eventually be fully satisfied, in His Time — in season.

We, must…(gentle)…exercise our will, with the power of His Spirit, to withdraw our outward-reaching – cravings; and instead, employ our efforts elsewhere, towards an inward-reaching search.

Where do we search, beloved? I believe He wants us to search in three ways: His Word, His Creation, and Prayer. Why? What (or whom) are we…searching for? Jesus. We’re searching for Him, beloved, Together.

And, in doing so, our hearts (hopeful) can slowly but surely be cured, by His loving care for us; from a fearful clinging to that which we think can satisfy here and now to, instead: fearless play.

Oh! ‘Fearless play’!? Those words, beloved! They…make me weep. Weep tears of joy! Oh! how I long for fearless play, in every aspect of life, in every way.

We, like sheep, have gone astray, we have turned our own way (Isaiah 53:6). We are prone to wander about, we get banged up, bruised, lost. For we, right now, are not in green pastures, beloved. And! we’re dim-witted, which means we’re so, so, so very helpless.

Our good Shepherd though…He’s leading us to green pastures, beloved! To a Place where we can finally be at rest in His Presence! Where we will no longer need to proceed cautiously, timidly, carefully.

There, we will leap about in fearless play! O, my soul! (hopeful)

O, beloved. We do, indeed, have hope. He is our Hope. Don’t despair, beloved. Have no fear, please.

All is well, even if it doesn’t always feel like it now; even when our senses are restless, and we have trouble finding our way.

Some Day, beloved, when He says it’s Time, we’ll enjoy fearless play — Together.

To Be With Christ

My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.

— Philippians 1:23 (ESV)

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Oh, to think of heaven without Christ! It is the same thing as thinking of hell. Heaven without Christ! It is the day without the sun; existing without life, feasting without food, seeing without light. It involves a contradiction in terms. Heaven without Christ! Absurd. It is the sea without water, the earth without its fields, the heavens without their stars. There cannot be heaven without Christ. He is the sum total of bliss; the fountain from which the heaven flows, the element of which heaven is composed. Christ is heaven and heaven is Christ. You shall change the words and make no difference in the sense. To be where Jesus is is the highest imaginable bliss, and bliss away from Jesus is inconceivable to the child of God.

If you were invited to a marriage feast, and you were yourself to be the bride, and yet the bridegroom were not there - do not tell me about feasting. In vain they ring the bells till the church tower rocks and reels, in vain the dishes smoke and the red wine sparkles, in vain the guests shout and make merry: if the bride looks around her and sees no bridegroom, the dainties mock her sorrow and the merriment insults her misery. Such would a Christless heaven be to the saints. If you could gather Together all conceivable joys, and Christ were absent, there would be no heaven to His beloved ones. Hence it is that heaven is to be where Christ is.

To dwell with Christ, to feel His love,
Is the full heaven enjoyed above;
And the sweet expectation now,
Is the young dawn of heaven below.

. . .

Thanks be to God for all the mercies of the pilgrimage, for all the dropping manna and the flowing stream; but oh, the wilderness with all its manna, is nothing compared with the land that floweth with milk and honey. Let the road be paved with mercy, it is not so sweet as the Father’s house of the many mansions to which it leads. It is true that, in the battle, our head is covered, the wings of angels oft protect us, and the Spirit of God Himself nerves our arm to use the sword; but who shall say that the victory is not better than the battle? The warrior who has won the most victory will tell you that the gladdest day will be when the sword rattled back into the scabbard, and the victory is won for ever.

Oh, the wooing of Christ and the soul, this is very sweet: the rapturous joys we have had in the love-making between Christ and us, we would not exchange for emperors and kings, even if they offered us their crowns; but the marriage day will be better far, the glorious consummation of our soul’s highest desire, when we shall be with our Wellbeloved where He is. Far better, said the apostle, and he meant it; far better it is.

He did not say — and I want you to notice this again — though he might have said it, ‘We shall be in better condition; no poverty there, no sickness there;’ he did not say, ‘We shall be better in character;’ he might have said it: there will be no sin, no depravity, no infirmity, no temptation there. He did not say, ‘We shall be better in employment,’ though surely it will be better to wait on the Master, close at His hand, than to be here amongst sinners and often amongst cold-hearted saints. He did not say, ‘We shall have better society there,’ though, truth to tell, it will be better to be with the perfect than the imperfect. Neither did he say we shall see fairer sights there, though we shall see the city that hath foundations of jasper, whose light is the light of the Lamb’s own presence. But he did say, ‘To be with Christ.’ He summed it up there. The bare being with Christ would be far better. And so it will be. Our spirit longs for it.

. . .

…If we have believed in Jesus, we are on a journey Home, and all fear of death is now annihilated. You notice the apostle does not say anything at all about death, he did not think it worth mentioning; in fact, there is no such thing to a Christian. I have heard of people being afraid of the pains of death. There are no pains of death: the pain is in life. Death is the end of pain. It is all over. Put the saddle on the right horse. Do not blame death for what he does not do. It is life that brings pain: death to the believer ends all evil. Death is the gate of endless joy, and shall we dread to enter there? No, blessed be God, we will not.

And this points us to the fountain of bliss while we are here, for if heaven is to be with Christ, then the nearer we get to Christ here, the more we shall participate in that which makes the joy of heaven. If we want to taste heaven’s blessed dainties while here below, let us walk in unbroken fellowship with Him — so we shall get two heavens, a little heaven below, and a boundless heaven above, when our turn shall come to go Home…Go to Jesus now by humble faith, that afterwards He may say, ‘Come; ye did come on earth, now come again, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from before the foundation of the world.’

— ‘For Ever With the Lord’ - The Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit pg. 570-576 (C.H. Spurgeon)

O, beloved!

Do you see?! All our desires are really the desire for Christ Himself? It is Him we long for - Him!

And we’re getting nearer to Him, beloved, we are! With each passing moment in Time, with each tear that falls, with each ache and pain that is life here…we are getting closer to our Beloved, the tender lover of our souls! The One who created and formed us; the One who delights to please us and who delights for us to find our pleasure in Him!

We know more of Him now than when we first began, do we not?! And we will know more of Him yet, as Time plods on, yes?! (hopeful)

He is only wooing us now, beloved! Leading us tenderly though this wilderness. He is caressing our hands, and kissing our eyes, and whispering words of love in our hard-of-hearing ears! And His wooing is wonderful! We find great joy in the wooing!

But beloved?

What we’re really waiting for, really longing for…is the marriage feast and the final consummation, are we not?! The perfect coming Together?! The joining of two into One? When we are, Together, united to Christ?

Yes, beloved.

It is that for which we wait and long.

But while we wait and long for that glorious Day, beloved…we catch glimpses of His glory here, yes? When we are near to Him, looking for Him, He shows us bits of Himself! He shows us His love and grace and forgiveness! He shows us tenderness and self-sacrifice and true intimacy! I think He’s trying to reveal Himself to us in this, beloved! All of it!

And that should give us great Hope, yes? That He loves us enough to make Himself known? The God of the Universe? To sinful, messy humans like us, beloved? Yes! What great Hope that brings!

Beloved? (so very tender) We get a little heaven now, but a boundless heaven One Day, do you know?

Only a taste here, but an everlasting feast to consume There! Only a bit of wooing here, but perfectly full and eternal intimacy There! Only the most fleeting glance at Christ here, but There, we will behold Him face to face!

O, beloved. (gentle)

To be with Christ is far better than anything we could ever ask or imagine. He loves us so. Let us submit to Him, willingly, gladly, forever Together, please? For He is good, so very good. We rest in Him, now and always.

A Bottle In The Smoke

For I am become like a bottle in the smoke; yet do I not forget thy statutes.

— Psalm 119:83

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But there are other trials: and this brings us to remark, that our trials frequently result from our comforts. What makes the smoke? Why, it is the fire, by which the Arab warms his hands, that smokes his bottle, and smokes him too. So, beloved, our comforts usually furnish us with troubles. It is the law of nature, that there should never be a good, without having an ill connected with it. What if the stream fertilize the land? It can sometimes drown the inhabitants. What if the fire cheer us? doth it not frequently consume our dwellings? What if the sun enlighten us? does he not sometimes scorch and smite us with his heat? What if the rain bring forth our food, and cause the flowers to blossom on the face of the earth? does it not also break the young blossom from the trees, and cause many diseases? There is nothing good without its ill, there is no fire without its smoke. The fire of our comfort will always have the smoke of trial with it. You will find it so, if you instance the comforts you have in your own family. You have relations; mark you, every relationship engenders its trial, and every fresh relationship upon which you enter opens to you, at one time certainly, a new source of joys, but infallibly also a new source of sorrows.

…

Just as the birds that visit us fly away from us, so do our joys bring sorrow with them. In fact, joy and sorrow are twins; the blood which runs in the veins of sorrow, runs in the veins of joy too. For what is the blood of sorrow, is it not the tear? and what is the blood of joy? When we are full of joy do we not weep? Ah! that we do. The same drop which expresses joy is sorrow's own emblem; we weep for joy, and we weep for sorrow. Our fires gives smoke, to tell us that our comforts have their trials with them. Christian men! you have extraordinary fires, which others have never kindled; expect then to have extraordinary smoke. You have the presence of Christ; but then you will have the smoke of fear, lest you should lose it. You have the promise of God's Word—there is the fire of it: but you have the smoke sometimes, when you read it without the illumination of God's Spirit. You have the joy of assurance; but you have also the smoke of doubt, which blows into your eyes, and well nigh blinds you. You have your trials, and your trials arise from your comforts. The more comfort you have, the more fire you have, the more sorrows shall you have, and the more smoke.

…

And yet more: trials which are not felt are unprofitable trials. If there be no blueness in the wound, then the soul is not made better; if there be no crying out, then there will be no emptying out of our depravity. It is just so much as we feel, that we are profited; but a trial unfelt must be a trial unsanctified, a trial under which we do not feel at all, cannot be a blessing to us, because we are only blessed by feeling it, under the agency of God's Holy Spirit. Christian man! do not blush, because you are like a bottle in the smoke: because you are sensitive under affliction, for so you ought to be.

…

It is marvellous how bright we are when everything goes right with us; but it is equally marvellous how black we get when a little tribulation comes upon us. We think very well of ourselves while there is no smoke; but let the smoke come, and it just reveals the blackness of our hearts. Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of; they just turn up some of the ill weeds on the surface; they are good, for this reason, they make us know our blackness.

— ‘A Bottle in the Smoke‘ - The New Park Street Pulpit Vol II pg. 139-141 (C.H. Spurgeon)

O, beloved.

Isn’t it so very true - how any/all comforts we experience here, in this life, are bittersweet?

There is a sweetness to them, no doubt; and this, it seems, is part of His graciousness in allowing us to taste His goodness. But there is also, most definitely, a bitterness too - for each comfort is only a taste, at best.

And, oh! How both the joy and the sorrow, the fire and the smoke well up tears in our eyes, beloved. The beauty and the pain…they seem to go hand-in-hand here. Perhaps some Day, they will be sanctified – we hope. In the meantime – So. Many. Tears. We must trust they are all for His glory and our good, somehow.

It’s good that we feel them, yes? Aye. For otherwise they’d be useless. Therefore – feel them – we shall.

Beloved? When the ache, the bitterness, the pain is overbearing…please don’t lose hope. It’s okay to weep, to lament, to cry out to God in desperation. He knows. He cares. He is compassionate.

I’m still not quite sure what to do with the ache….although I know it should draw us closer to Him. Maybe that’s all it’s intended to do? (pondering) I know so very little, but He knows - that’s all that matters.

Let us be thankful, beloved, for both the fire and the smoke. We are loved.

Earth And Heaven: A Prayer

O Lord,
I live here as a fish in a vessel of water,
only enough to keep me alive,
but in Heaven I shall swim in the ocean.
Here I have a little air in me to keep me breathing,
but There I shall have sweet and fresh gales;
Here I have a beam of sun to lighten my darkness, a warm ray to keep me from freezing;
yonder I shall live in light and warmth for ever.

My natural desires are corrupt and misguided,
and it is Thy mercy to destroy them;
My spiritual longings are of Thy planting,
and Thou wilt water and increase them;
Quicken my hunger and thirst after the realm above.

Here I can have the world,
There I shall have Thee in Christ.
Here is a life of longing and prayer,
There is assurance without suspicion,
asking without refusal;
Here are gross comforts, more burden than benefit,
There is joy without sorrow,
comfort without suffering,
love without inconstancy,
rest without weariness.

Give me to know that Heaven is all love,
where the eye affects the heart,
and the continual viewing of Thy beauty keeps the soul in continual transports of delight.
Give me to know that Heaven is all peace,
where error, pride, rebellion, passion raise no head.
Give me to know that Heaven is all joy,
the end of believing, fasting, praying, mourning, humbling, watching, fearing, repining;
And lead me to it Soon.

- ‘Earth and Heaven’ - The Valley of Vision: Puritan Prayers and Devotions, pg. 201

My Thankful Heart With Glorying Tongue

My thankful heart with glorying tongue
Will celebrate your name,
Who has restored, redeemed, re-cured
From sickness, death, and pain.
I cried; you seemed to take some pause,
I sought more earnestly.
And in due time you supported me,
And sent me help from high.
Lord, while my fleeting time still lasts,
Your goodness let me tell.
And new experience I have gained,
My future doubts repel.
A humble, faithful life, O Lord,
Forever let me walk;
Let my obedience testify,
My praise lies not in talk.
Accept, O Lord, my simple gift,
For more I cannot give;
What you bestow I will restore,
For of your alms I live.

— Anne Bradstreet

I Shall Not Want

Thou all-sufficient One,
Who art
The chosen portion of my heart!
Other rejoicing need I none, —
I can find all in Thee,
Thou chiefest good to me!
Who has Thee is satisfied;
Who by Thee doth still abide
Is no more lonely, at Thy side.

To whom Thou dost reveal,
Thy face,
He lives in joy in every place, —-
In every time has what he will.
Who in his deep heart-ground
To Thee is firmly bound,
Still and joyful knows no fear.
Earth costs him no bitter tear, —
Earth grows dim when Thou art near.

O highest joy of joy!
True rest!
Comfort of every aching breast!
Whom can earth trouble and annoy,
Whom Thou art near to bless,
Who does Thy love possess?
All I seek for out of Thee
Hindrance to my joy might be,
And diminish peace in me.

Whom Thou dost call Thy child,
Thine own, —
By all on earth may be unknown,
By all on earth may be reviled:
What then? if God be his
He needs no other bliss.
If I know that I have Thee,
Life and strength and joy may flee,
Griefs may come, — they move not me.

Come, O thou blessed One,
My choice!
Now in Thy light make me rejoice, —
Come, fill the soul which Thou hast won.
Come, take the whole, that I
To Thee may live and die.
I am Thine, O, be Thou mine,
Until in yonder life divine
Thy face on me shall fully shine!

- Gerhard Tersteegen-

Our Painful Reality

The Lord said to the serpent,
‘Because you have done this,
cursed are you above all livestock
and above all beasts of the field;
on your belly you shall go,
and dust you shall eat
all the days of your life.
I will put enmity between you and the woman,
and between your offspring and her offspring;
he shall bruise your head,
and you shall bruise his heel.’

To the woman He said,
‘I will surely multiply your pain in child-bearing;
in pain you shall bring forth children.
Your desire shall be contrary to your husband,
but He shall rule over you.’

And to Adam He said,
‘Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’
cursed is the ground because of you;
in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life;
thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you;
and you shall eat the plants of the field.
By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread,
till you return to the ground,
for out of it you were taken;
for you are dust,
and to dust you shall return.’

The man called his wife’s name Eve,
because she was the mother of all living.
And the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skin and clothed them.

Then the Lord God said,
‘Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever’ —

Therefore the Lord God sent home our from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken. He drove out the man, and at the east of the garden of Eden He placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life.’

- Genesis 3:14-24

O, beloved!

Pain is our reality just now, isn’t it?

The curse is a real thing here.

There’s no way around it.

Thorns and thistles, and sweat and dust. Nothing’s easy anymore.

These verses, given only a cursory glance, they seem so very futile and hopeless, yes?

But beloved? May we consider them more closely Together, please? For I believe there is hope to be found, even here, among one of the saddest parts of the Story, do you know?

For one thing, look what Adam does! God has just laid out this whole, heart-wrenching set of consequences for their sin and He clearly isn’t very happy with them. But Adam, he names his wife just then. And not just any name! He gives her the name — ‘Life!’ Not death or shame or banishment or the Cursed One - no, beloved! Life! It seems almost like a strange ‘aside,’ this verse here where Eve is named…but as all Scripture is composed by the hand of God, surely that isn’t just an odd ‘oops,’ right?! That bit is meant to be there. It must serve a purpose! (pondering)…I wonder if it’s like Adam’s way of fighting against despair, perhaps? Calling to mind that not all is lost? That life, hope will yet spring forth?!

And then there’s the next part where God clothes Adam and Eve with garments of skin! Not only does He cover them; He also bears with them, yes? And…what does He cover them with? The skin of an animal! The very first animal sacrifice, beloved! The very first time God takes what we deserve and places that sin, that wrath upon another, for our good! That’s quite hopeful too, isn’t it?!

And then there’s His mercy in sending Adam and Eve out of the garden, so that they’re not stuck in sin forever, should they choose to eat fruit from the tree of life as well! Just think what life would be if there was no hope of the pain ending ever…perpetual pain. I’d imagine that’s what hell is like, beloved? Do you think?

Then, too, there’s the hope that the woman’s seed will crush the head of the serpent! The rule and reign of the evil one is limited, beloved! He promises that to us! It’s only a matter of Time, my sweet one, until all death and darkness and sin and pain is done away with, entirely, for those who love Him! Such a short time, it will be, beloved! These days and years flying by as they are, yes?! (hopeful)

So, beloved? All of this to say: Yes, our reality is painful. We will always know pain here. Thorns and thistles galore, beloved. Little twinges of jealousy and covetousness. Tiny pokes of ‘not yet yours’ and ‘you can’t have.’ Splinters of selfishness. Cuts of miscommunication. Wounds that come with relinquishing. Reminders, probably daily reminders, that He will do this His way, not our way. None of it feels good to us. We’d avoid it if we could.

But He wills it, beloved. He wills this pain for us just now, does He not? For He is the Great Physician! The Healer of all pain! He delights to bind our wounds and take splinters out of our eyes and give us medicine for our souls, all with such compassion, beloved! I think He wants to show us His healing power, His mercy, His tenderness, His love, beloved! I think that’s why all this pain now…it only exists so that He can relieve it! In His way, in His Time!

And like Adam and Eve, we have hope, even in this great pain! We see Life, coming Soon! We find refuge in His tender covering of us, in His sending a Sacrifice to bear what we could never bear on our own! We long for the Great Day when we will eat from the tree of life, not in our sinful state, but in our perfected and glorified state! We rest in the Victory of our Christ over all evil, when pain and death and every kind of separation will be banished, crushed, never to be remembered again!

Do you see, beloved, that our reality here isn’t Reality, not really?! This is just a brief sojourn in the wilderness, my darling. The Promised Land awaits! The land flowing with milk and honey, do you know?! (giddy)

We will Soon be There, Together! All pain forgotten. Every last bit.

Only milk, honey, you, me, and our Beloved Christ, beloved! (And maybe some angels and mansions and saints and gold and clouds and things…perhaps…but who’s keeping track?! ;))

No more sin, beloved! No more longing! No more emptiness! All perfect and satisfied and filled to overflowing There!

He will lead us. We will walk Together and trust Him, even in the pain, beloved - until the curse will be no more! All praise be to Christ!

It Is Good To Wait Upon The Lord

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

— Lamentations 3: 25-26

Beloved?

These Words…we consider them true, yes?

Aye, indeed.

Therefore, let us take heart. What He says is good — must be good.

Is it hard to wait? Oh, yes. But…O, my soul, can thou do this with gladness, knowing He intends it for good? Yes.

Be still, O heart. (gentle) There, there. Hush now. Quiet yourself.

All is well.

No need to frantically run about.

Wait upon the Lord.

Our Lord's Prayer

Our Father, you are seated on a throne of glory in the highest heaven, and we bow before your awful presence with humble reverence. Even so we approach you with the confidence that we are your children, and you are our bountiful and compassionate parent.

We join our prayers to you with hearts full of brotherly love, and ask for each other the blessings we seek for ourselves.

Above all, we desire your glory. May your name be set apart and holy. May the whole world of living creatures join us to give you the honor you so deserve and require. May your kingdom come and your will be done among us. Help us to know, understand, and pursue your kingdom.

And may your will, always wise and gracious, be done on earth just as it is in heaven. Teach us mortals to resign ourselves to you in obedience, the same way your angels in heaven obey you.

As for ourselves, Lord, help us not to seek the grand things of life. Help us not to worry about the future, but we humbly ask that you would open your bountiful hand – the one on which we always depend. Give us our daily supply for what we need today, and teach us to let you take care of the rest.

Though in many respects we have been disobedient and ungrateful children, yet we beg you, compassionate Father, to forgive us our offenses. We know we are guilty in your book, with debts we can never repay. But please forgive those debts, even as we forgive others – even those who have offended and injured us. We ask for the same kind of pardon we are willing to extend to others.

And do not bring us into places of pressing temptation, where we would lose our integrity and our soul would be endangered. But if we must be tried, graciously rescue us from the power of the evil one, that he would not triumph.

We know you can do things for your children, and we humbly trust you will, because yours is the universal kingdom, the fullness of almighty power, and the glory of infinite perfection. To you be the praise of all, forever.

Amen. So may it be. We sincerely and earnestly desire that you may be glorified and our prayers heard and accepted. Amen.

— Philip Doddridge

Fullness

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

-1 Corinthians 13:12 (ESV)

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You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

-Psalm 16:11 (ESV)

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For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.

-John 1:16 (ESV)

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For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts though faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

-Ephesians 3:14-19 (ESV)

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For in Him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell…

-Colossians 1:19 (ESV)

O, beloved.

I feel empty sometimes. Like now, when I’ve cried out all my tears, and it feels like there’s nothing left in me.

I’ve confessed my ungratefulness, my self-pity, my shame, my slowness to repent, my foolishness, my hypocrisy, my continual failings. I’ve told Him (yet again) of my fear, and how I loathe myself for not trusting His will and His ways. I’m much less like a dim-witted sheep, beloved, and much more like the slithering serpent than I care to admit, do you know? There is nothing good in me apart from our Lord, beloved. Without Him, I am merely an empty shell.

I feel like an empty shell just now. Fragile and tossed about by the waves rolling over me.

But beloved?

It seems like…perhaps, He is about filling that which is empty, yes?

He filled the empty baskets to overflowing with the bread and fish leftover, did He not?

He filled the water jugs with wine?

He filled the empty banqueting hall with guests?

He filled the barren womb with child?

He filled the entire universe with His glory, yes?

And He Himself isn’t empty.

He is full.

Full of love. Of life. Of holiness. Of joy. Of grace. Of maturity and perfection.

And it’s from Him that we receive all these things, isn’t it, beloved?

He delights to fill us, too? With His Spirit, to sustain and comfort and strengthen us? So that we aren’t left alone, not truly? Is that right, beloved? Please tell me? {more tears - not quite empty yet!}

He wants to fill us with all that He is, I think…could that possibly be?! That He wants to fill us with all of His love, life, holiness, joy, grace, maturity, perfection? That He wants us to join in the loving song of the Trinity that has been sung since before Time existed? Does He?! Does He want us to know Him intimately, even as He knows us so? Does He truly want to give us All Things? All Things?! Fill us with All that is Good? Is that why it seems like He’s working so hard to empty us here, beloved?

I don’t like being empty, feeling like this.

But beloved? For Him, I will bear every pain and heartache. Just like for you, I will bear every pain and heartache. It’s worth it. He’s worth it. You’re worth it.

If I know, without a doubt, that He will fill us to the fullness of Himself One Day — I am willing to be empty now. Willing to be without both my Beloved and my beloved, in part.

I will trust Him to complete the work which He has begun. We will do so Together, will we not?

Weak and empty vessels now, here. But O, beloved! There! We will be filled to overflowing, beyond all Time and measure! May we wait for that Great Day, gladly, Together, now and always.

Amen.

New Every Morning

But this I call to mind, and therefore, I have hope: the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.

— Lamentations 3:21-23

To Be Known

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

–1 Corinthians 13:12

O, beloved!

Right now, we wrestle with the thought/question: all is not lost – is it?

Yet, some things, are lost - I speak in human terms, of course. Some things are, indeed, lost. We’re silly to try and convince ourselves otherwise.

But, beloved? (said tenderly) This is where we must surrender our reasoning, or logic, our mind…even our hearts. For, we find ourselves pressed up against the limits of our understanding, our capacity, our nature. We, only see in a mirror dimly, now; we only see in part; but, Then we shall know fully as we are fully known.

And…(weeps while trying to type)…what is it to be fully known? I can see, by faith, Him knowing us – not perfectly I know, but in part, I do see. But…(weeps some more)…to be known here and now? It is an unexpected gift. It helps take away some of the ache. It…gives hope, and strengthens faith. It is one of His many precious gifts.

O, beloved! take courage. Do not despair. If anything is lost, it can be found again by the omniscient, omnipotent God Almighty.

Trust in Him, now and always.

May our lips give Him praise, for He is worthy of all honor and glory.